It could be your mental peace, could be the relationship with your new partner. I get why you feel the need to give this person closure, but please know: that's not your responsibility. My ex reached out to me about 15 years after we broke up. I'm very happy with my huband and I know that I made the right decision for myself, but I feel bad that it hurt someone else. We welcome the Reddit community to elicit opinions on a variety of matters from our community of women ages 30 and up. Just ask, Why did you reach out to me after all this time? Your ex will likely be at a loss of words at first, but soon either give you the truth or half-truth. Now, she wants to meet for coffee and I cant resist myself because I still need that closure. But ultimately, she wanted me to know that she feels bad for how mean she was to me when we broke up. And I felt much better letting him know how much I'd cared about him during our relationship even though I hadn't expressed that in words well enough back then. Also, a Caffeine headed individual whose day consists of bouts of contemplation about life and afterlife. Your mental peace certainly comes before they rant to you about their workload and unmet marital fulfillment. Here are 7 reasons your ex might pop up months (or even years!) It's always best to think your course of action through first, and that includes whether you want to even respond. Often, urges to contact an ex may come up at the end of an unhealthy relationship and not for healthy ones. Been talking to my ex for about a month and for 1st time in 10+ years I feel happy. If you were in an abusive relationship, the best thing to do when your ex reaches out is not to respond. I wouldnt bother replying to an ex who dumped me years ago, even if Im unattached. Even if you do respond, make sure you can do so in an indifferent manner, says Jaseena. A voice can calm us down and we can catch so much more meaning when listening to anothers inflection, tone, rate of speech that texts will never allow even with the latest set of emojis! Thank you for your article very insightful. It helps us feel less alone and like were among others when we do video calls, but they also can drain energy when youre also spending long days on work video conferences. Your ex didnt treat you very well when you were together, and to top it off, they dumped you and never looked back. I actually miscarried shortly after confirming the pregnancy. I dont care why youre reaching out now. Before going down a path you have already been on, voice what you want from this renewed relationship be it any kind. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. In all honesty, there is no "after no contact" as no contact is . Life can be so cruel at times as she was the love of my life and my heart never let me forget her. But other times, a conversation with your ex can also provide your ex with an opportunity to: When your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend contacts you years later, your ex finally gets over the anger, disgust, contempt, or suffocation caused by unhealthy perceptions and becomes okay with talking with you. Remember, friendships are often place-bound or time-bound relationships and their remembered intensity may be reflecting more about the intensity of that period of your life rather than the depth of that friendship. TL;DR: Yes, because our break-up needed closure. It will save you a lot of unnecessary fights in the future. "What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the . I think you did the right thing. It weighs on me even now (a few months after) but ultimately I didnt know what to say or how to respond. Temper expectations, but reach out if its something you feel you would like to doregardless of the response. Strangely, I am going through health issues and was quite surprised about his message. The expectations are usually running wild when you have not moved on completely. Some dumpers break up with their partners, enjoy their lives, date other people for a while, and then realize they arent happy. I think you should let this one go. When you first start dating, it's normal for him to only text when you're making plans together. You DO NOT have to maintain a protocol, thinking that itll be too rude to not reply. Signs And Coping Tips, 15 Speed Dating Dos and Donts You Need To Know, How To Start A Conversation With A Girl: 20 Ways That Never Fail, 10 Ways To Tell Your Parents You Have A Girlfriend, Dealing With An Insecure Boyfriend? The following four steps can help you work through the process. I took the blame at the end of the year, entirely, when she was seated behind me, I decided to reach out. However, they later got back together and married in 2011. The only way to stop overthinking in this situation is by either ignoring the message or giving a very indifferent response, which basically screams out that your ex doesnt matter to you anymore. Its easy to indulge an ex when you still have lingering feelings toward them. Its important to mention that this is a dangerous place to be in because it satisfies a void, and you forget why you broke up in the first place. They want to hear it from you directly. And continue, saying "You are now happily married, well settled in your life and you would appreciate if he keeps the past as a history. For some strange reasons, exes seem to pop up when were at our lowest, making it easy to forget about how terrible the relationship was and give in to their charms. 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Follow us at: This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. Have you ever considered getting back with your ex? Granted, I was also really young comparatively (mid-twenties) and I didn't understand that closure comes from yourself, not another person (I had a really wonderful therapist help me work through this paradigm-shift). Jaseena tells us how to put a lid on overthinking. My breakup recovery method for men combines science, first-hand . More often than not, they just want to catch up and be friends. I got a message on Linkedin today andI'm so confused (the message said I came up in their feed I don't even know how that's possible we live in opposite side of the world, work in different industries and don't share contacts)? So, they are back to mess with your head, bring back all the memories, and stomp your progress in the healing process. Its been quite some time since she was a stepmom to your kids, so theres probably no need to message her now. You might be the kind of person who does not stay friends with their exes and the sudden texting might throw you off guard. . :). But dont rush into setting a date for a catch-up over coffee. She responded back instantly. On the contrary, the partner who initiated this breakup would get a reality check. Reaching out to an ex after months or years later. It's a long story. After thinking about it long and hard, your ex decides tore-establish contactand tell you how sorry they are. Anywho, all of this is to say that I haven't had a good experience with an ex trying to reach out. When an ex contacts you years later, just seeing their name pop up on your phones screen is going to set off fireworks in your brain. I could tell knowing the truth was a huge weight off his mind. Tell them that your ex is trying to reach you. I think my ex will never contact me after years later. Why Did My Ex Unfriend Me But Not Block Me? The important thing to remember is to be honest. Does your ex normally ghost you for many months and then re-establish contact like its the good old days? Some of our newly rediscovered friendships may very well pick back up and grow in their meaning in your lives, as theyll reflect the shared experience of the pandemic anxiety and fallout that is happening as the friendship is heating back up. Whats going on? Yeah, no. Anger is an emotion that people are often uncomfortable with. That passed quickly anyway. He'd called when I wasn't home, and I never returned his phone call. You may hold beliefs about anger, such as: Nice . Throw out an invitation to hang out in a super low-key environment. :-/ They left. Before we talk about what to do when an ex reaches out after no contact, we need to discuss what "after" means. So much was tied up inside because of a difficult home life, hadn't learned yet to really let all that flow out. When were facing something scary, we do like to hear about people whove survived a similar threat or something even worse. You had strong feelings for your ex, things didnt end well, and you dont want them disrupting your life. The X-Men timeline desperately needed to sync up at one point, and 2014's "X-Men: Days of Future Past" was the vehicle that helped mash together the multiple versions of "X-Men" history. He also has a kid. We're all human. That's actually something I thought of doing. I didnt reply. Youll probably experience a flood of emotions when you get that message, so getting an objective opinion will help you look at things from a different perspective and make the right decision. Getting back together with an ex years later is possible. Dumpers just dont care if youve changed or not because when they reach out, they have no expectations of you and still see you the way they saw you prior to the breakup. hat would hurt him? I have no idea what to do. If the person ghosted you leaving you in dire need of closure, you might feel tempted to respond to their message. So yes, exes come back years after the breakup. I stopped going to the club in case they came again. Its up to you. Dont make up stories when your partner asks you, Why would an ex contact you years later? Be honest and tell them the truth about what your ex has texted you. Exes dont always want to get back together after reaching out. But do it because you want to re-connect from where you are now in your life, not expecting to re-connect in a way that doesn't reflect the ways in which you may have changed and grown over time. Yesterday, he said, My ex and I are talking again. I'd be more likely to reach out to his wife and apologize for not seeing sooner how hurt she was, and that I was being selfish (I was, entirely). He has to now find a job in stead. Like I said, I never reached out to an Ex. Its okay if your ex doesnt contact you, Linda. So before you take your ex back, make sure your ex wants you for you and not just because your ex can benefit from you and rely on you emotionally. It could also just be curiosity which I understand to a certain extent I guess. I feel bummed and embarrassed but nothing I could do. You might end up immediately assuming things like: Is this a new start to our relationship? When exes come back after months, there could be a rosy side to it too. . I think that she would really appreciate hearing that and she deserves it. He was going through the program and wanted to make amends. When your ex reached out, your ex was focusing solely on the present moment and merely wanted your understanding, reassurance, encouragement, and compassion. If your ex talks nicely to you for a little while and then doesnt talk to you for weeks, that could mean that your ex got what he or she was after. My ex owes me money which I want back, nearly $1000 dollars and I have been unable to collect since the pandemic began,I want my money and I am going to reach out for it. Reach out because youd like to reconnect to see where someone is at in their life, to share a memory of past times, or offer a show of support and caring. My wife got sick after 2 years and I have been her carer since. ETA: He's the one who dumped me. Why would an ex contact you years later? If you stay in no contact (and you should), youll recover in a matter of days (most likely). Theres no doubt you had mind-blowing sex with your ex, but that was all there was to the relationship. Although you had problems when you were together, you always worked it out and were happy. Here are five things to do when your ex reaches out after years. If one of my exes reached out to me years after the break-up Id know that their personal lives have become a great disappointment and now theyre reevaluating what they foolishly threw away years before. In fact, it might even be a good idea to block your ex if they make you feel uncomfortable on any level. And if they dont like what they see, they will start missing you. I reached out to let him know, and asked if he'd like to meet up in person for a bit, that I wanted to see him and also apologize for how things had gone down. Its up to you, but she is married, after all. Even me avoiding texting her, I feel all my time healing has gone to waste, I feel a little depressed again all just because shes back in my life and in my mind. What is their intention? Pro tip: Keep your mind open and your heart closed. I think she just wanted to test the waters for a while since she missed you. It's when an ex reaches out just to get something from you and then disappears. I was unable to provide the support he needed at the time, as I had not healed and wasn't ready to let go of my trauma (my therapist says I didn't want to relinquish the power he had over me - that it was a continuation of the abuse.) Every relationship ends differently and there is no strict rulebook to follow when it comes to dealing with an ex contacting you years later. Do what's best for you. She didnt have the basic courtesy to offer me an explanation, says Elena, To this day, I wonder what went wrong in our perfectly happy relationship that she had to back off like that! Think about your life right now. Maybe you were really close with one of your exs friends or family members, and theyre either seriously ill and on their deathbed, or they died suddenly. ), I reached out 1-2 weeks ago (2-years later), got no response. Want to know more? She even made accusations towards me after the first month of our no contact to add salt to the wounds. She apologized for everything and expressed a desire to be friends again. Thank you Zan for your perspective. The ill-fated lets be friends cliche is still alive and well. As youve read, its the norm for people to get back together after theyve been broken up for years. He said hed been having dreams about me and wanted to see if Im ok and that was it. Besides, you have no way of knowing whether your ex will be forthcoming and candid in their response. Several reasons exes may contact you are below. You gave her a chance and she blew it. When an ex contacts you years later, talk to someone about it, 5. Here are five things to do when your ex reaches out after years. I suggest you contact your ex or have someone contact him for you. First, it helps normalize our experience and our feelings. You get to decide whether to forgive her and alleviate her guilty conscience. When an ex contacts you, you need to weigh the pros and cons practically. Something bad must have happened to her that made her want to clear he conscience. I hope his heart is at peace/ease despite things not going how he may have expected. I had an ex find me 12 years after we broke up and reached out to me. The bottom line is that if youre thinking about starting the relationship again, you must think about it carefully. So, before you slam a sarcastic emoji in their face, grab a tea or a book. QueasyAllday 1 yr. ago ouch TX_Farmer I sent an ex a sincere apology letter. Unless your ex-partner was an abuser, listen to what theyve got to say before deciding how to handle the situation. The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. My ex has reached out to me a handful of times over the last 15 years. It was like a weight lifted. One such conundrum hits us when our exes come back after no contact and we are clueless about how to respond. However, video calls are especially meaningful when someone is totally isolated or when grandkids or more than one person is at one end of the phone. I saw them looking around. Youve probably told your partner all about your ex, and why you broke up. As mentioned, they may just be contacting you to see how you are. It is entirely up to you to respond or not. Tell him, "thanks for calling, hope he is having a good life". I'm not annoyed by it, I just don't understand if it makes sense? How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. CNBC recently reported that 80% of active fund managers are falling behind the major indexes. And then he behaved in such a way as if theres nothing to be addressed about how awkward the whole situation is. He or she needed these things so that life (especially health and well-being) could go back to the way they were prior to getting hurt and reaching out for support. They broke up in 2007 because Prince William thought he was too young to be in such a serious relationship and wanted to enjoy his youth. We invested a lot of time in one another so it's nice to learn how the other is turning out. When an ex contacts you years later, you need to focus on why they became your ex in the first place. Part of the need to re-connect is driven by the ambiguous threat of the pandemic and, practically speaking, part of it is likely due to the greater number of hours of alone time that we may feel the need to fillto get our minds off our own circumstances, in some cases, and focus on something more positive, or at least feel like were doing something to support someone else. I guess, theoretically, the other person could help you find closure but they don't need to do that, and asking them to do that is a big and (possibly) inappropriate task to put upon an ex. On the contrary, what if your ex got dumped and just wanted to check in on you? If you are looking for an explanation, ask for it. Discussions must remain civil at all times, and women must be allowed to dominate the discussion. He cheated on me more than once and I developed trust issues. 7. In my opinion, love is love whether its platonic or intimate, in the end the outcome effect can be the same. But he and his wife are in local choirs so I reached out because Im interested in that myself.
